It always happens when you least expect it, your ex just got engaged. You’re casually doomscrolling through socials when suddenly their name pops up… next to a ring emoji.
Whether you’re happily single, in a new relationship, or deep in healing, this kind of news can stir up all kinds of messy, unexpected emotions. That little internal voice goes: Wait… why do I feel weird about this?
So what do you do when your ex gets engaged or married, and it hits you harder than you’d like to admit? Let’s talk about it.
[Read: 40 signs to tell if your ex is over you or only pretending to have moved on]
So, how do you properly reach the final stage of acceptance when your life feels like it’s crashing around you because your ex is now engaged and soon to be married?
Well, here are some things to keep in mind when learning how to deal with the big news.
You were once the love of their life, so it’s okay if there’s still some semblance of an emotion that you feel for your ex. A simple tug at your heartstrings is normal because at some point you did imagine walking down the aisle with this person.
If you’re still not over your ex, it’s okay to be jealous or even sad. It shows that the feeling is still there. But you would one day have to face the fact that you and your ex weren’t able to work things out.
They still deserve to be happy. The sooner you come to terms with this, the better. [Read: Closure after a relationship – 29 signs you haven’t got it & ways to move on]
Psychology calls this “disenfranchised grief”, the pain we feel when we lose something we’re not “supposed” to mourn anymore, like an ex getting married. 📚 Source: Doka, K. J., 1989, Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow
Not all breakups lead to both of you pretending the other doesn’t exist. Amicable separations are increasingly common.
If you’re friends on Facebook or you still stay in touch, drop them a line. Ask your ex how they’ve been doing and say congratulations. It may take a load off your ex’s chest once they know that you’re actually pretty okay with the engagement.
This works increasingly well if the people you talk to about the upcoming wedding are also acquaintances with your ex. If you feel angry or jealous, let it out.
Your friends would be able to comfort you and offer you some advice on how to completely move on. However, if it’s not really a big deal, you can just casually mention it and move on to more interesting topics of conversation. [Read: 20 lovesick signs and the fastest and best ways to get out of it]
Whether or not you have chosen to confide in your situation with your close friends, you absolutely need to set boundaries about the topic with the people in your life.
Such boundaries include if it’s okay to talk about your ex’s engagement and what certain points are appropriate or not to talk about.
If you still have feelings for your ex, no doubt the temptation to make negative comments about their engagement is nagging at you. But whatever the case may be, badmouthing your ex’s new love will just make you look bitter and resentful.
If you think you’re an entire league above your ex’s future spouse, just keep it to yourself. You wouldn’t want to invite drama if the newly engaged couple suddenly finds out that you’ve been talking behind their backs.
Listen, if you find yourself refreshing your social media feed waiting to see photos of the newlyweds, it’s time for a detox. It’s normal, no one will judge you. [Read: The toxic dangers of social media & 19 signs and ways it makes you insecure]
Social media fuels rumination, replaying emotional pain over and over, which researchers say makes it harder to heal after heartbreak. 📚 Source: Nolen-Hoeksema, S., 1994, Ruminative coping and adjustment to loss
Give it a few months, plus another extra month for when the photos of the wedding come out. And then you can go back to following your ex, that is, if you still manage to remember.
By the time they’re showing ultrasound pictures of their future kid, you should be well over the issue… hopefully.
You can air out your grievances to your friends, but your partner is a whole other story. Emotionally mentioning it to your partner might make them feel insecure.
After all, it seems like you’re still affected by any news regarding your ex. Our advice is to keep it on the down low for a while, or just mention it in passing and let it go completely.
At first, you might start to think of where the wedding venue is, what the bride will wear, and what the motif may be. And then, you’d start thinking of how YOU would do it. You don’t want to go down that road.
You don’t want to be planning an imaginary wedding for a long-gone ex who’s not even engaged to you. Crush the urge and distract yourself with anything that’s not even remotely related to weddings.
Marriage is not a race. It’s not even a valid measurement of success or happiness. Do you have any idea how many people are still honestly not ready for marriage?
According to social comparison theory, we measure our own success by comparing ourselves to others, especially people we’ve dated. No wonder your ex’s engagement can sting. 📚 Source: Festinger, L., 1954, A theory of social comparison processes
Everyone gets the desire to get married at different points in their lives, and some don’t even want to walk down the aisle at all! Try not to make comparisons with your ex when they get married.
You may have done this before when you were still getting over your ex. But in light of your ex getting engaged, you may want to revisit those moments. There is a valid and non-painful reason you’re not the one who’ll be saying “I do” to your ex.
Whether it’s being too busy with other things, their incessant nagging, or their knack for looking at other people, keep these reasons in your head.
Remind yourself why you definitely don’t want to be the one getting married to them. [Read: 23 reasons why good relationships end even if there were no red flags]
It’s easy to spiral when finding out big news from someone you once shared love with.
Even if you don’t feel that way for them anymore, it still triggers old memories and that can make you feel out of control. That’s why it’s so important to surround yourself with caring, loving people who can keep your mind on better things.
Plan a girl’s trip, attend a bro’s night, or have your family over for dinner. Whoever it is in your life that radiates positivity, reach out to them. [Read: 26 whys & ways to surround yourself with positive people & remodel your life]
This would be easy if you managed to become friends after breaking up. Of course, you’d want your friend to be happy!
What kind of friend would you be if you didn’t? On the flip side, if you still wish it was you they chose, try to realize that no amount of wishing can change the fact that your ex is getting married.
If you truly, unselfishly love your ex, you’d want them to still be happy, right? Even if you’re not the one they’ll be happy with. It may sound like such a tragic thing, but acceptance will eventually override your love for your ex.
👉 Want to understand your emotions better? Read these features:
You might have been doing great, until you opened Instagram. Now you’re scrolling through a perfectly filtered engagement announcement, complete with 78 heart emojis and a drone-shot proposal video. Oof.
These days, it’s not just your ex getting engaged. It’s your ex going viral getting engaged. And that can make the emotional impact hit harder than ever.
If you find yourself spiraling, mute them. Block if you need to. You’re not petty, you’re protecting your peace.
1. Don’t post a thirst trap captioned “I’m doing great, thanks for asking 💅”
2. Don’t send “congrats” with a skull emoji or a thinly veiled Taylor Swift lyric
3. Don’t text “so happy for you” while sobbing into a bag of Cheetos
4. Don’t dig through their fiancé’s Instagram like you’re doing FBI-level recon
5. Don’t book a solo trip to Bali in rage unless you were already planning it (but if you do, slay)
Maybe you’ve been through it, or maybe you have yet to experience it. But learning that your ex is moving on with their life with someone else is no walk in the park.
These feelings are perfectly normal, and you’re sure to go through them.
Haha, there’s just no way… Haha, let me double-check this. This didn’t happen. Yes. Yes, it did. And you definitely didn’t think it was going to happen before you.
You call your mom, you call your grandma, you call all your friends. Everyone must know. Everyone must know your ex is getting engaged and either join you in shock or confirm that this is a true event.
Your support team was there while you were drowning them in despair over your breakup, and now they have the honor of talking about this new life event. [Read: 15 secrets to comfort and help a friend heal through a breakup and feel better]
You can feel your body heat up while your eyes just stare at the picture of them and their new fiancé. Oh, they look so bloody happy. Well, isn’t that great? I am just so glad that everything in his life worked out perfectly.
You grab some harmless snacks and start aggressively emotionally eating. We suggest going for a walk, instead.
Your hand is digging deeper into the chip bag, and you’re done for. Once you’re at this phase after you’ve realized your ex is tying the knot before you, you just have to let it take you.
That being said, don’t get swept up to the point where you’re stalking them outside of their work, begging for a second chance.
But naturally, your thoughts are similar to these: They don’t suit each other. You can see it in their eyes, they aren’t really in love. Have fun paying $50,000 for a wedding that won’t make it past a year. We were a better-looking couple.
Yeah, that’s right, get it all out. Just make sure these thoughts don’t leave your house. [Read: 25 signs your ex wants you back and just can’t stop thinking of you]
Your emotions switch, turning your ex’s engagement into a competition. How can they have found somebody before me? The whole purpose of our break–up was that I was supposed to move on and find someone amazing, while they spend the rest of their life miserable over our break-up.
They weren’t even that great of a partner. I don’t understand how they found someone who wants to be with them. I’m here, single, and now suffering from stress-sweat. Nobody likes stress sweat.
This is when you bring out your Rolodex. The thought of you never finding someone and inevitably dying alone has never been so strong. Should I open my PlentyOfFish account again? Tinder isn’t too bad, but wait… maybe eHarmony is better? That’s more for serious players.
Fight this stage of desperation when you find out your ex is engaged. Don’t call that person you had one so-so date with. Don’t start thinking of potential people who weren’t right for you to begin with.
Not only that, don’t drag some poor person into your pity party because you want to “prove” something to your ex. [Read: 20 wild steps to get over a broken heart and heal like you don’t care]
Yes, they made you watch Rocky over and over, and they had so many annoying habits you hated, but what if they were the one?
You used to cuddle and watch the stars on clear nights. And there was that time you both woke up at 4 AM and rode your bikes to the beach with a bottle of champagne.
The emotions and the good times you spent together are going to overwhelm you. You’re probably going to think, “Did I miss the one?” or “Will I ever find someone who’s going to love me like they did?” [Read: 49 proven secrets to stop thinking about your ex and forget them for good]
Ah, then nostalgia does something beautiful. Remember their habit of not showering after basketball practice? Remember when you were sick, and they didn’t call? Yes, you do.
Remember those moments, because those were the moments that caused you to doubt your relationship with them. Their new fiancé is going to have to sit next to the stench and put up with their lack of thoughtfulness.
While fond memories always bring a smile to your face, recall your ex’s annoying habits and the fact that they will have “Till death do we part” tacked onto them once they tie the knot with their partner.
Oh, God, that poor person is going to have to be with them for their entire life. They’re going to have to live with their cheapness and dirty underwear ’til death do they part. You wouldn’t be able to last a year!
Well, you dodged the bullet. Wipe that anxiety sweat from your forehead because the worst has passed.
After you pass the feelings of jealousy and anger, you really do realize that the fiancé could have been you. Yes, your life would have been different, but is that the life you really want? [Read: Relieved after breaking up? 20 honest reasons why it’s a very good sign]
Keep browsing through those “until the wedding” countdown photos, sit back, and enjoy the view. Someone you once loved intensely is happy and about to unite themselves with the right person.
Emotional attachment systems don’t turn off just because a relationship ends, which is why closure often comes in stages, sometimes long after the breakup. 📚 Source: Fraley, R. C., et al., 2000, Adult romantic attachment
After the fights, the horrible breakup, and the agonizing healing stage, their life took a turn and now they’re deliriously happy. Just be happy for them and believe that you’ll one day, you’ll be just as deliriously happy too.
[Read: 26 honest steps to let go of someone you love and move on & find peace]
Even if you’ve fully moved on, finding out your ex is getting married can bring up memories you thought were buried. But that doesn’t mean you’re not healing, it just means you’re human. Be kind to yourself. Love leaves echoes, but it also clears space for something new. So take a breath… your chapter’s still being written.
The post When Your Ex Gets Engaged or Married: 22 Must-Knows & Emotions You’ll Feel is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.
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