A New York model dated women for almost her entire adult life. Then, she tried dating men.
Her experience has some shocking takeaways that people of all genders and sexualities can take something away from. Tara Raani’s first video, “field notes on men,” has generated 1.8 million views as of this writing since she posted it on Jan. 21. Subsequent additions to her “notes” have reached thousands of commenters, who’ve shared their own thoughts on dating men.
Raani has spent a lifetime dating women and has recently started seeing men. Based on her new experience, she’s come up with a conclusion on some of the ways that heterosexual-presenting couples act out, as well as the ways that men respond to women in the current dating scene.
According to her, men frequently love sharing tidbits from their personal lives without offering much room for equal conversation. Raani used examples, such as her male partners or dates habitually sending music recommendations and memes.
Raani also pointed out that men love to say mean or critical things on a first or second date as a way of undermining their partners. As she stated, “Men will just say mean things to you, like on a first or a second date. I learned this term, ‘negging.’ I have never in my life said anything mean to a woman.”
And finally, she pointed out something called the “babysitter technique.” Men love praise for completing basic tasks, she says. If they make eggs and toast by themselves, they love to hear that they did a “good job.”
Raani concluded her statement by pointing out that “men do nice things for me because it makes them feel good, not because it makes me feel good.” In other words, they complete “quests” to earn praise and look good, but they don’t do it out of altruism.
Raani’s field notes were incredibly useful to commenters, who noticed similar patterns of behavior from men. It turns out, there is some psychology behind each of Raani’s notes on men.
For instance, many men notably do not ask their partners questions about their interests, tastes, or sense of humor. Otherwise, men expect women to carry the burden of carrying the conversation and asking interpersonal questions during outings.
Men are statistically more likely to ask fewer questions than women interpersonally. The power dynamics and social structures of dating between men and women are incredibly different than those of queer or sapphic relationships, thus creating different nuances of conversational depth. With two women, there’s almost an equal playing field in terms of social dynamics and social equality. Most women don’t walk into a date with another woman with a rigid idea of how the date should proceed based on pre-established gender roles. Or at least, if they do, it’s less likely.
Negging is often a learned behavior within family structures that tests boundaries. Men can neg for a variety of reasons, whether that be insecurity or in a misguided attempt to establish dominance while dating. Negging should be a huge red flag for women, as a partner who needs to diminish their date’s achievements, looks, or general demeanor will often become worse with time.
The “babysitter technique” is something that many women have noticed anecdotally. A user on the subreddit r/twoXchromosones noticed a similar phenomenon when asking, “Why do some men expect praise for doing what every adult has to do at times?”
The post, which was created in 2023, came from a frustrated wife who noticed her husband needed praise for completing basic tasks. “My husband acts like making dinner and cleaning up the kitchen … nominates him for sainthood. Should I start giving myself a sticker every time I do something in the home that benefits others? I’d look like a solar system by the time he got home,” she said.
These tips all point toward one definitive answer that can help define the difference between a woman dating women or a woman dating a man. Men have a different social upbringing than women, thus contributing to different social dynamics when interacting with women romantically.
This isn’t to say that all men neg, overshare, or require “babysitting” from their partners. Rather, there’s a general trend that makes some men have these characteristics. Women have different social upbringings, which means that many women have different tendencies while dating.
For instance, women are more likely to ask interpersonal questions on a date, but they’re less likely to ask more questions in professional environments. Women are almost trained to take on a nurturing, inquisitive role and carry on conversations or offer praise.
These social structures are changing, but progress doesn’t happen in just one day. Many women are still in positions to accept unequal relationship dynamics; negging, constant oversharing, and the ‘babysitter technique’ all relate to an unequal dynamic in a relationship where the woman carries the burden of listening, holding space, and being aware. And as long as these field notes are accepted, they’ll most likely continue to plague those seeking meaningful relationships with men.
Raani posted additional videos exploring other things she noticed about the men she dated. Notably, that “men don’t like women” and that men don’t give women many compliments. Both of these comments go alongside Raani’s previous comments. Specifically, some (but not all) men withhold compliments and neg as a way of demeaning their partners and keeping them insecure and vulnerable. The feeling that many women who date men get that “men simply don’t like women” is common. Many men outright hate women without realizing it, but it shows in their behavior.
AllHipHop reached out to Raani via email for comment. We will update this story if she responds.
@tara.raani2 ♬ original sound – TARA RAANI
Loading ... 